You appear a little lost; why else would one engage a mysterious question mark? To that end, allow me to take the opportunity to clarify a couple of points for you.
The name’s Quentin. I’m head of Quality Assurance on board this Boundary Station, and it is therefore my sworn duty to ensure all questions, queries and concerns are addressed to the highest professional standard.
What do you want to know?
You are on board the FBS VIVAELLIPSIS; the finest vessel of the Exposition Fleet launched from Niamine 10 cycles ago, in response to our most recent cataclysm, the Colossus Tear. We occupy a region of the Meridian System known as the Yawling Twist, about a three night drive from the Coreward Worlds. And yes, we are in a dimension quite different from your own
The look on your face suggests I’ve exacerbated your confusion. I’d encourage you to enrol onto Portal Orientation: a lecture series devised by yours truly, wherein I can elaborate and elucidate beyond this cursory explanation
Newcomers are always welcome on board out station. Might I suggest some mediums by which you might bring them over?
We are here to elucidate newcomers to the peculiarities of our reality. If Portal Orientation doesn’t appeal to you, perhaps subscribing to Exposition Broadcasts would be more your speed; it’s certainly more leisurely, in any case
Over by the Dimension Gates. You walked passed them in order to come and ask me where they are
Ah, a commendable display of charitability! Allow me to deploy a remote support vendor (lest you wish to walk all the way over to the kiosk and run the risk of having to deal with that wastrel Tully):
If monetary support wasn’t what you had in mind, might you consider spreading the word about our own dimension once you return to your own? In any case, all support is appreciated equally and emphatically
Then I suggest you go back there before the absence of the NANTARIS‘s signature brand of mediocrity warps your mind
I am sufficiently high up the management ladder for you to be dealing with, if that’s what you’re getting at. Otherwise, Madam Kiara Drake is our VP, and as for the President, well… you ought not worry yourself with such matters
A new variety of magic has been discovered by scholars at Bharvale’s School of Devilry & Disillusion, which ‘may very well alter the shape of the cosmic landscape beyond all recognition.’
Chief Warlock Nexstrus Wizenhammer elaborated in a press conference:
‘My friends, we have succeeded here in divining one of the greatest mysteries of our field. To not only prove, once and for all, that there are new sorceries yet to be discovered, but to channel this particular sorcery, is testament to my department’s tireless dedication to the pursuit of the Higher Truths. That what we have learnt came at great existential cost (both philosophically and in actuality… rest in peace Argus) only sweetens the ichor of our success. Here we stand on the precipice of catamorphic change to our known reality. Let the Nightmares come!’
When asked (by an understandably alarmed-looking reporter from the Meridian Standard) what exactly this new magic actually does, Wizenhammer’s reply was characteristically ridiculous:
‘Mortals don’t need to concern themselves with the nature of our discovery. Just know that this is the advent of a prodigious change in our System’s history. Those with eyes to See will be rewarded thousandfold; those without will beg for blindness.’
Wizenhammer proceeded to dissipate in a needlessly ostentatious cloud of smoke, leaving the entire room in stunned silence (though those with ‘eyes to See’ saw him almost trip over his robes as he was heading out of the fire escape, proving that he has about as much respect for health and safety regulation as he does for the fabric of our reality).
All of this may sound like cause for concern, but I wouldn’t run off panicking for the time being. It’s common knowledge amongst the principle Magic Colleges that Wizenhammer is notorious for being morbidly hyperbolic, and I’m given to understand he was just as bleak when he was an accountant on Decharon. If we aren’t worried, you shouldn’t be either.
I’m willing to bet his ‘prodigious discovery’ amounts to little more than a spell for brewing coffee more efficiently. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d have concocted a gross exaggeration to justify an equally gross research grant, though the question of where that funding comes from does give me cause for concern…
• • •
If keeping pace with the periodicity of expositionary promulgation invokes in you a foreboding sense of trepidation, our scholar drones are on hand to courier missives direct to your inbox to ensure your continued edification.
Your privacy is very dear to us. You can eyeball the terms of our privacy policy here. And of course, you can unsubscribe whenever you want to
• Portal Orientation consists of eight lectures delivered over sixteen nights
• Attendance will be monitored, and failure to attend will result in your removal from the course
• There will be prizes for those displaying a certain degree of aptitude
Your privacy is very dear to us. You can eyeball the terms of our privacy policy here. And of course, you can unsubscribe whenever you want to
If you aren’t sure whether you’d like to commit to such an exposition-intensive experience, you may wish to view the first lecture here first to get an idea of what to expect
• Portal Orientation consists of eight lectures delivered over sixteen nights
• Attendance will be monitored, and failure to attend will result in your removal from the course
• There will be prizes for those displaying a certain degree of aptitude
Your privacy is very dear to us. You can eyeball the terms of our privacy policy here. And of course, you can unsubscribe whenever you want to
If you aren’t sure whether you’d like to commit to such an exposition-intensive experience, you may wish to view the first lecture here first to get an idea of what to expect
Exposition Broadcasts currently consists of one email every seven nights, highlighting articles from our catalogue that will help you get to know our reality. We occasionally send additional stuff, like if something interesting happens or the Portal needs to be evacuated
Welcome aboard. The name’s Quentin, and I’m Head of Quality Assurance.
You will notice this is a very busy terminal, and it’s not uncommon for travellers to go missing. To that end, I strongly advise you sign up for Portal Orientation, as we cannot be held liable for any misfortune that may befall you on account of your own ignorance.
You have been duly advised as per standard protocol. Enjoy your stay.
You successfully entered your own email address. There won’t be any prizes for that I’m afraid, but it’s nice to know you’re at least capable of writing. The next step is to go to your inbox and confirm your sentience; you won’t be enrolled until you do.
Your privacy is very dear to us. You can eyeball the terms of our privacy policy here. And of course, you can unsubscribe whenever you want to
You successfully entered your own email address. There won’t be any prizes for that I’m afraid, but it’s nice to know you’re at least capable of writing. The next step is to go to your inbox and confirm your sentience; you won’t be enrolled until you do.
Your privacy is very dear to us. You can eyeball the terms of our privacy policy here. And of course, you can unsubscribe whenever you want to
